At this very moment, my mind is filled with thoughts and my heart is full of emotions. I have probably 6 drafts that are sitting in my blog file. But until this evening I haven't been able to actually sit and organize my thoughts and my feelings. It has been very frustrating for me because I depend on my blog to help me sort those feelings and questions out. So here I am. Where do I even start?
Lets start with my name. My name is Esther and I am 31 years old and for the first time in my adult life I have the opportunity to do something that most adults never get to do. In fact, it is something that most people fear. I am in a position where I get to discover who I really am. I get to take a deep look into my heart and see what it is that I believe. What are the things that truly matter to me and what do I want to get rid of? You know in my own life, I have always lived by someone elses "rule" or "standard". Whether it was how I should dress, what I should teach my kids, Where I should or shouldn't go. What it means to be a "good" wife. What it means to be a "good" christian. What is "acceptable" for a young lady, and what's not. What a "good" marriage looks like. There were so many things, things I simply went a long with because that's what I was "suppose" to do. In doing so, I don't think I ever had the opportunity to discover who it is I really am. Don't get me wrong, some things were just plain obvious and the Bible is very clear on some things and I have no problem abiding and holding on to those things. But I am talking about the extra stuff. I guess what I am trying to say is this: I'm on a journey. I want to believe that the things I stand for and believe in are there because of God and because of me. I want to KNOW. I want to decide for myself. I want to discover for myself. I want to see for myself. And it is difficult. It's scary to think that for so long the things that you've been taught, the things you've taught others and the things you believed in were wrong. If I could have it my way I would twirl in circles until I was so dizzy that I couldn't help but laugh. I would love to live in ignorant bliss. Ignore reality. Ignore my heartache and my struggles. But instead, I want to challenge them. I want to discover what it is I want in life. What do I want to teach my kids? And what does it mean to be a child of God? So here I am folks. I'm confused on so many levels as you can probably tell by reading this. I'm ready to stand on my own. I am ready to face reality. I am ready to look into my heart and see what's there. You may not like the things I find. You may not agree with where I stand and that's okay. For me nothing is set in stone. It's all about trial and error. I just pray that at the end of this journey you will be standing next to me, holding my hand.
8 comments:
Esther, I've felt that way so many times on my own journey. Standing by you sister as you search for the answers. Praying for you. (((hugs)))
May I join you on your journey? I just want to be there to protect you. I know it can be scary and dark at times but I want you to know little sister that I will always be here for you, to protect you and love you. Just know you are not alone and when you turn around I will be there watching every step to catch you when/if you fall. I love you.
This year I have been in those same shoes of deciding what I really believe in and what I really stand for. So much has changed and I feel such freedom.
At the end of the day, all that matters is what is between YOU and GOD. Others opinions are nothing to you..
Love you gal! Praying for you and this journey!
So proud of you! and Yes we may not always like what our friends are doing or the decisions that they make but a true friend will always stand by you. Let me know what you find out :)
You know, I am truly happy, no, thrilled, no....elated !! to see this post from you. Really! This is something I have seriously been thinking about for/in regards to you lately. Just noticing a difference, allbeit, only what can be 'seen' online, but, anyway, I've noticed a different you. At times I wondered. At times I semi-worried. But all the time, just praying you find YOU through all of this and it all comes out good in the end. :) I'm happy to hear you are taking the time to rediscover yourself, for examining your beliefs and practices. It's a hard thing to do, honestly. It may appear to some an easy out, but, it should be quite the opposite, in actuality. Seeing and admitting where you have been wrong in the past, being challenged, even rediscovering some rights in where you once were. (did all that make sense afterall? it sounded good in my head, but didn't come out quite as smoothly AND I had 'interruptions' :~p )
Esther, you are an amazing woman!
I know what you're going through, girl... and I'm in a lot of the same stuff right now, just more "inward" and not so much what people can see. I pray for you often and I think you are an incredibly strong, smart woman. Hang in there... love you girl!
I can identify here. When we first got married, hub and i went through a long period of figuring out what was right for our family--- as we both had long rebelled against God and organized religion. We didn't want to do all the things that our Christian parents did, just because THEY did them. Why did they do them? Why should we? We read the Bible, a LOT, searching for answers to our very specific questions... And ya know what... God has given us clear direction on many of the things that we couldn't find written in the Word, but felt a personal conviction over. I think that's what most things boil down to---- personal conviction. (except of course for those clear cut things drawn out Biblically.) I pray that God blesses you on your journey, and that you experience a brand new and wonderful relationship with HIM because of it! I love ya gal!!
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