The Sparrow

Dear Blog,
At this moment I wish I could poor my heart out to you. All my secrets, all my burdens, all my thoughts. But I can't. I can't and I feel like I have a heaviness that is weighing my heart down into the pit of my stomach. Tears seems to be waiting to over flow and just pour down my cheeks. I wish I could sit and just tell you everything. But I can't. I just can't. For one there is just too much to type and two, I would hate for others to be hurt by my thoughts or feel bad for causing me so much pain. So I just think about things over and over again. I think about my family. How I long for my family. How I hurt for my family. It is something that cuts deep into my soul, yet there is nothing I can do to quench the desire to sit with all of my siblings, my parents. I long for their comfort, their love. To love them and comfort them. I long to play with my nieces and nephews that I barely know. I want them to know me, their Aunt Esther.  I long for them to play with my kids, laughing and giggling. Playing super heros and fairy princesses. that is one thing I can tell you Dear Blog. I miss my family. Sometimes this world can bring on so much pain, so much stress that it can bury you. I feel that way at times. Like I'm under water and all I have to breathe through is a straw that sticks up into the air just barely above the water that is about to drown me.
I have questions about God and how much does He really intercede? I know He cares about the smallest things in our life. He knows when a sparrow falls, but He doesn't keep the sparrow from falling. How much of our life is in our control and how much of it is God's will? I remember when Abby was little and I was struggling as a new mother. A mother that was sleep deprived and depressed. I would pray that God would help her to stop crying, to just sleep through the night before I went crazy, but He didn't intervene. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 18 months old. I quit praying and asking God to help her to sleep. After all maybe it was my fault she wasn't sleeping, or maybe it was just something He wanted me to endure. I look back at that season and think "it wasn't that big of a deal, I survived" but in that moment, in that time I remember thinking "why even ask Him for help"?  Sometimes people ask for prayers because they are having a rough day, or they have a headache and I honestly wonder "would prayer really help"? I don't think God DOESN'T care, but does He really intervene at those times? Sometimes I wonder. Don't get me wrong Dear Blog, I have faith in God. I believe He loves us, and cares for us. But how much does He do for us in the "small" things of life? I think of my oldest who is 8 years old. She will sometimes ask for something, or ask me to get her something, and I will tell her "you're a big girl get it yourself." Does God tells us that in a way? "you're a big girl, you can handle this"? I remember my dad saying to me "it's not gonna kill you." whether it was cleaning my room or doing something somewhat difficult.:sigh: I don't know. These are just a drop of what has been running through my mind.  I wish I could pour out my heart to you. but enclosed in my heart and in my head my thoughts and burdens will remain. I know that God knows exactly what is going on inside of me, He hears my cries, He see's my tears. I am thankful for an all knowing Father. I find comfort in knowing that He does know all that dwells inside of me. I suppose if He see's fit He will lift those burdens from my heart. He will answer my prayers according to His will. He simply knows, and I do find comfort in that.