Outside the weather is over cast, the wind is blowing strong and I have an all over relaxed feeling. Maybe it's exhaustion, I'm not too sure. Miguel is out running errands and Abby is on a date with her Papo. Joey is taking his afternoon nap and Ellie is in her jumper watching home video's of her Big Sister :) I felt the urge to sit in my chair and simply write. Do you ever have that need? That desire to just put your thoughts out there. I guess it's how we think or talk out loud. Lately I've been thinking about babies. Have three kids already and my youngest is 5 months old. I hold her and look into her eyes as she smiles at me with her toothless grin. Her eyes are so big and brown with a touch of sparkle in them. She tells me "I love you Mommy" when she looks at me so deeply. She knows I'm her mom, she knows I love her. I tell her all the time. She giggles and kicks her legs with excitement as I talk to her and play peek a boo. She melts my heart. I don't care that I have to change a million dirty diapers. I don't care that my nights are interrupted by feedings. I don't care that she throws up all over my new dress. She's my baby and I'm in love with her! But there is a problem. My baby isn't staying a baby. She's growing and learning new things and I love that she is progressing and reaching her milestones. I just don't want to forget or lose that baby smell, those first little giggles, the little fingers and toes. The closeness. At the same time I am excited about seeing her become a toddler. Growing into her own little person. I want to know what she likes and doesn't like. I want to see her and her siblings playing together and becoming best friends. But for now when I hold her, I just can't stop kissing her. I can't stop hugging her and loving her. Then the thought comes to my mind..... "is she going to be my last baby"? "is this the last time I will be able to enjoy the comfort of holding a baby of my own" ? It makes me somewhat sad. I see some of my friends who are getting ready to have a new baby, and some just going through the excitement of finding out they're pregnant and I miss that already.
Miguel and I have decided that Ellie would be our last. Yet I feel like maybe just maybe we need to pray about it some more. All I know is that my kids are growing up so very fast and the world they are living in isn't getting better.
5 comments:
I totally understand your baby brain! I am having the same thing, Evelyn is getting so big so quick :( I think you have made the right choice to pray about it some more.
i have my hands full with two kids. i couldnt imagine having three and still having the energy to want more. you must drink a lot of redbull ;)
Sometimes I worry about being in your face too much (that came out wierd but I don't know how else to say it..)You are great mom and Abby, Joey and Ellie are so blessed. I have been praying for you and your decision.
Awww...I loved reading this post and just seeing how you feel. You are such a good mama. xoxo
All I can say is... I was in your shoes after Helen, then after the twins, then after Eliya... and ya know. Hub kept saying, "If we have ANY doubt about whether or not we're finished, then I don't think we are." I can't imagine our lives without the twins, Eliya or Wyatt! --- I can promise you this. You being the woman you are, you would *never* regret *having more kids*... but you may regret NOT having more. ::hugs::
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