How do you trust? How do you trust AGAIN is what I should ask.? How do you stop fearing that history will repeat itself? How do you let go of everything you are trying to control and do, to protect yourself from the pain that was once unbearable? How? I know some would say "it just takes time", but how much time and what do you do in the mean time? It's a scary feeling as if your world is made of nothing but Jenga blocks and within a few wrong moves the whole thing can come crashing down. How do you close your eyes and just let yourself fall TRUSTING that they will catch you? :sigh: It's so hard. It is built in us to resist, to be cautious, to hesitate. It's built into our survival skills. Some may say "you just have to pray about it." But don't we as Christians struggle in the same way with trusting God? Not that He hurt us but maybe He has allowed pain to come into our lives? It's hard to trust Him because we are afraid of His answer and we don't want to hand over the control? I use to think it was so simple. How do you trust? You just do. The way your child jumps off the bed trusting you will catch them. What I didn't realize is if you didn't catch your child and their little body slammed into the floor, they would not jump into your arms so easily the second time around.
And I find it sad that the pain we have endured can hinder our faith in our Heavenly Father. Sure sometimes it can strengthen it, but I think more than often it weakens us. It puts fear in us which cripples our heart from trusting.
Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I feel like one question just opens the flood gates to more questions. So after all these thoughts and questions, the only solution I have come up with is, Communication. For me I have to voice my fears. I need to look the person in the eyes and tell them "i'm afraid .....". Does that mean that the person won't hurt me again? Does it mean that it will prevent my Jenga world from falling? No, it doesn't but it does give me the opportunity to say what is on my heart instead of going mad within my own mind. Yes, for me the key is communication. No matter how stupid I look, no matter how insecure, jealous or crazy. Because I never want to look back and think "If only I'd said something...."
1 comment:
It is true that time will help. I think the amount of time depends on the person and how deep the pain. But also in both relationships the same thing is true, to acknowledge that there is no fear in love. And realize even though we try we really have no control. And that history may repeat itself but living in worry, fear or jealousy will not change the outcome either way. So we may as well let go and live this moment the best we can. We can choose to let go and we can choose to trust, it really is the only thing we can control.
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